The Pentecostal Footman

The following conversation actually took place during a consultation at a private health clinic.



The Pentecostal Footman

So there I am having an orthotics fitted for my foot. The ligament running from the heel to toe got ripped resulting in a condition which can only be described as similar to something unmentionable. Anyway it ended in ..itis which comes from the Greek apparently. Means inflamed – so you can tack “itis” onto pretty much anything that winds you up.

Anyway there I am in this utterly nondescript room – in terms of décor –pale green walls, maroon paint and brown carpet with a couch in the corner. This large man in a shiny grey suit, looked very cheap but probably cost the earth given his fees, sits behind a huge desk with nothing on it and waits for me to explain how I feel.

Then he asks me to take off my socks and roll up my trousers to just below the knee and walk around the room. When I turned my back on him I couldn’t remember if I’d done my roots. My crown always separates and when the roots are due there is this strip of white right down the middle of the back of my head. Still he was supposed to be looking at my pronation.

That’s what he said – I pronated.  look it up.

Then as he sinks my feet into a bed of oasis he starts to wax about the wonders of the human foot. Too awesome, he said, for it to be evolution. It has to be the design of the creator. The foot he said, is a symbol of the glory of God.

“Do you have a faith?” he asks.

“Yes.” I was guarded. “ I believe in the power of healing energy.”

“There’s only one energy and that comes from God.” He said. “Everything else comes from the Devil.”

Fist clenched firmly around my naked ankle he moves on to the Ten Commandments and eternal damnation.

“People are afraid of the ‘S’ word” he said.” We’ve all sinned…and we are judged at the end.’ ‘Hold on”, I said “what about the Christian doctrine of forgiveness, love and redemption??”

“There is no redemption. There is only one judgement.”

“Excuse me but I have only just lost my Mother and I don’t want to think of my loved ones burning in hell fire.”

“That’s the trouble when you like someone.” he said.

I thought I’d come about pronation not damnation.

I had to pay for my judgement day.